If you believe someone you care about has a problem with compulsive sexual behavior, here are some first steps you can take.
Acknowledge the Shock of Discovering Sex Addiction
Finding out about a partner’s sex addiction can turn your world upside down. It’s not uncommon to feel constantly on edge, emotionally numb, flooded with anger, or haunted by thoughts you can’t control. These intense reactions aren’t signs of weakness, they’re natural responses to deep emotional injury. It’s now widely understood that betrayal at this level is traumatic for partners. What you’re experiencing isn’t overreacting; it’s a real and valid trauma response to the sudden shattering of trust, safety, and reality as you knew it.
Create Space to Heal
Creating space to heal means stepping back from the chaos of someone else’s addiction without shutting down your compassion. It’s recognizing that their harmful behavior stems from a deeper struggle, not from something wrong with you. This kind of detachment isn’t cold or uncaring; it’s about reclaiming your safety and emotional clarity. It might look like setting boundaries, ending activating conversations, or choosing not to take responsibility for that which isn’t yours. It’s also about choosing support, educating yourself, and remembering that their recovery is not your responsibility, but your healing is. You can care without losing yourself.
Prioritize Self-Care in the Aftermath of Betrayal
In the aftermath of betrayal, tending to your own physical and emotional well-being isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity. The nature of betrayal trauma sends the nervous system into a fight/flight or freeze state. Small, steady acts like taking a walk, writing down your thoughts, practicing deep breathing, or connecting with someone you trust can anchor you when everything feels unsteady. These small habits can rebuild your sense of identity and help regulate your nervous system. Establishing simple routines that nurture both body and mind helps restore a sense of grounding. It gives you the breathing room to begin healing, not perfectly, but consistently.
Learn More About the Problem and the Solution
Reading can be a powerful first step in making sense of what you’re going through. Some of the most trusted and up-to-date books for partners include:
- Intimate Deception by Dr. Sheri Keffer
- Mending a Shattered Heart by Stephanie Carnes
- Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens & Marsha Means
- Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
To better understand sexual addiction itself:
- Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes
- No Stones by Marnie Ferree (focused on female sex addiction)
- Unwanted: How sexual brokenness reveals our way to healing by Jay Stringer
Find a Therapist Who Understands Sexual Addiction and Partner Betrayal Trauma
Speaking openly about what you’re going through can feel incredibly vulnerable, especially when mutual friendships are involved or when shame is present. That’s why finding outside, specialized support is so important. Not all therapists are trained to navigate the unique dynamics of sexual betrayal, so it’s worth seeking professionals who understand both addiction and the trauma it causes for partners. The right support offers more than just advice. It provides safety, validation, and a path forward. It’s a place where you don’t have to justify your pain, and where your healing is the focus. A good place to start to locate a clinician is through the website of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). Visit iitap.com for a searchable database and look for those who specifically indicate they treat partners.
Find Strength in a Community
Whether friends or family are a safe space or not, support groups are critical for recovery. Being in the company of others who truly understand the heartbreak of betrayal can reduce isolation and offer powerful relief. These groups create connection and validation that’s hard to find elsewhere. You realize you’re not the only one feeling confusion, exhaustion, or shame, and that in itself can be healing. Communities like S-Anon, COSA, Pure Desire, and others offer not just shared experience, but also tools, education, and real hope for recovery.
Reclaim Your Boundaries
Setting and holding healthy boundaries is also essential. Boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else, they’re about protecting your own emotional and physical well-being. Taking time to get clear on what you need and communicating it directly can restore a sense of agency in a situation that often feels out of your control. Boundaries may include things like what conversations you’re willing to have, what information you need (or don’t want), or how much access someone has to your time and energy. In some cases, establishing a clear period of separation can be an essential boundary to ensure emotional and physical safety. They are a form of self-care, not selfishness.
Postpone Major Decisions
In the early months, it’s wise to postpone major decisions. The emotional upheaval after discovery can cloud even the clearest judgment. Giving yourself time, often six months to a year, can bring perspective and lead to choices that are more grounded and informed. What feels urgent in the pain of today may shift as healing unfolds. Taking time isn’t avoidance; it’s honoring your nervous system’s need for safety and space before stepping into long-term changes.
How to Go from Surviving to Healing
Healing from the betrayal of sexual addiction is not a straight path. There will be moments of progress, setbacks, and uncertainty. But with support, clear boundaries, and consistent care for yourself, it is possible to move beyond survival toward strength, clarity, and a renewed sense of self-worth. You are not broken. With time, you can rebuild not only your life but your sense of identity and inner peace on your own terms.
Consider Attending a Workshop for Partners of Addicts
While it may feel like a big leap, attending a workshop is a powerful step towards your recovery. Workshops offer an immersive, supportive environment that can accelerate your healing in ways that individual work often can’t. You’ll gain insight, tools, and connection with others who understand your experience, all in a setting designed for safety and restoration. The Healing for Partners Workshops section has more details on what to expect and how to begin. Sometimes, the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself is say yes to deeper support.