For Partners
For Partners
A partner is simply one who is (or has been) in a significant relationship with an addict. The partner of a sex addict has been deeply betrayed by the addict’s behavior and often experiences trauma as a result. Bethesda Workshops incorporates the principles of the “trauma model” when working with partners. We believe that sexual betrayal is a deep wound to a relationship and cuts at the heart of something that should be sacred.
A partner deserves a dedicated treatment focus to get help for the pain of the betrayal, to restore self-worth, and to learn tools and skills of self-care.
Nothing a partner did or didn’t do is the reason behind the addict’s behavior. The addict is completely responsible for his/her acting out. It is not the partner’s fault! Neither is the partner responsible for helping the addict heal. That is solely the addict’s responsibility, too.
Deception and Gaslighting
Deception in Addiction
Living in an environment influenced by addiction can cause partners to question their own reality. Addicts often become skilled at deception, making it difficult to distinguish truth from manipulation. While dishonesty alone can erode trust, gaslighting inflicts even deeper harm.
The Impact of Gaslighting
Gaslighting is not only lying to cover the truth of acting out behaviors but also manipulating a partner to believe he/she is imagining the issue. Over time, this relentless distortion of reality chips away at your intuition, instincts, and confidence in your own judgment. Unfortunately, this begins to impact a partner's sense of self and is often traumatic.
A partner deserves to be told the truth simply, clearly, and consistently. You deserve to see what you see, know what you know, and think what you think. An important part of your healing journey is to learn how to trust yourself and stand on your own truth, regardless of what the addict tells you. That’s much easier said than done.
Trauma of Discovery or Disclosure
Discovering or hearing about a loved one’s inappropriate sexual or relationship behavior is devastating. It’s normal to feel whatever you’re feeling, which usually is a painful mix of anger, hurt, fear and sadness – often with disappointment, confusion or embarrassment.
It’s also normal to respond in a myriad of ways. You might react in anger or withdraw in pain or try to be a detective and figure out exactly what you’re dealing with. You replay conversations and situations in your mind and reframe the history of your relationship.
Take the time you need to deal with the trauma of discovering your loved one’s acting out or the pain of hearing a disclosure. Unfortunately, unless the addict is getting appropriate help, disclosure is often unguided and incomplete, which only adds to your pain.
Reach out to safe people who can support you during this difficult time. If possible, find a counselor who specializes in helping partners of sex addicts find their way through this maze of betrayal and confusion.
Consider attending a Healing for Partners workshop to get the support, information, and direction you need.
Coping with Addiction
In an unhealthy situation like living with an addict, partners are forced to cope the best way they know how. They try to gain safety in the middle of such a distressing situation. Sometimes they are anxious to please, help, or not rock the boat. They may focus on the addict and be more attuned to the addict’s behavior and needs than to their own. In a different scenario, the partner may detach from the addict and withdraw into her (or his) own world of children, work, or other interests.
In some situations, the partner is either completely unaware of the addict’s behavior or at least not the depth of the problem. These partners sometimes have a nagging sense that something isn’t right with the addict and the relationship, but they can't identify the root cause. Sadly, addicts may have blamed them for any issues in the relationship, or the partners may have blamed themselves.
Partners often have trauma responses that unhealthy when they discover or learn about the addict’s betrayal. They may play detective (after an expected period of investigation to find out the truth about the addict’s behavior), rage, shut down, become more sexual, abuse alcohol or other drugs, eat, shop, or settle for the status quo. While these are often not healthy objectively, they are difficult to stop.
Sometimes partners try to manage or manipulate the addict’s behavior, control the addict, or make threats if things don’t change. It’s reasonable to try to stop behavior that is unacceptable!
At Bethesda Workshops, we don’t pathologize these reactions. They are normal attempts to find safety or to cope with the desperate pain of betrayal. While completely understandable, these reactions rarely help the situation, and unfortunately, they often make it worse.
Bethesda Workshops believes that partners deserve effective solutions that honor self and hold the addict fully accountable. The Healing for Partners Workshops teaches helpful principles and enforceable boundaries for those who are dealing with intimate betrayal.
Influence of a Partner's Personal History
Because Bethesda Workshops uses a comprehensive model, we also explore the woundedness that partners have experienced personally (usually in their family of origin or some other trauma) that pre-date the relationship with the addict. We find that partners are best helped by receiving an understanding of their own history and the beginning tools for healing about it.
Unhelpful methods of coping are largely unconscious and were often developed as survival techniques in the partner’s family of origin. When a family struggles with addiction, secrets, deprivation, perfectionism, or other dysfunction, the child must learn ways to survive. These strategies were invaluable when they were originally discovered and put into place. The difficulty is that healthy adult relationships aren’t well served by many forms of coping that may have worked in a different situation.
People who are wounded in this way tend to gravitate toward others who may also be similarly wounded, even if the expression of those wounds is different.
Please be assured that statement doesn’t mean that a partner willingly “chose” an addict. Few consciously do that. The principle here is that all individuals are strongly influenced by their upbringing and their culture. These unconscious forces shape a person’s belief systems and interactions – and affect their relationships.
The Path to Healing
Healing for partners, then, involves two parallel tracks: healing from the trauma of being betrayed by a sex addict; and healing from earlier wounds that spawned belief systems and coping techniques that no longer are helpful. From a theoretical standpoint, Bethesda Workshops combines the best of the trauma model for treating partners with a systemic perspective that also explores the partner’s personal history. We truly believe that the partner’s healing journey is more difficult than the addict’s because of this double-whammy of wounding. Partners deserve complete healing and empowerment as individuals and within their intimate relationships.
Healing for Partners
For individuals who are in a significant relationship with someone who struggles with compulsive sexual behavior or love addiction.
First Steps
If someone suspects their spouse is struggling with sex addiction, the situation can feel overwhelming and deeply painful. However, taking intentional steps can help regain clarity, set boundaries, and move toward healing. Here are some important first steps:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings & Reality
- It’s natural to feel betrayed, confused, angry, or even ashamed. Give yourself permission to feel without self-judgment.
- Trust your instincts—if something feels off, it’s worth exploring.
2. Educate Yourself About Sex Addiction
- Learn about compulsive sexual behavior, its patterns, and its impact on relationships.
- Understand that addiction is often rooted in deeper emotional or psychological struggles.
3. Set Boundaries for Emotional and Physical Safety
- Establish clear boundaries to protect your emotional and physical well-being.
- This could include setting rules about honesty, transparency, or even temporarily creating space in the relationship.
4. Seek Support
- Personal Support: Confide in a trusted friend, therapist, or support group like S-Anon (for partners of sex addicts).
- Professional Guidance: A therapist who specializes in addiction or betrayal trauma (CSAT/CPTT) can help you process emotions and navigate next steps.
5. Observe, but Don’t Try to Control
- You can’t force your spouse to admit or change their behavior, but you can choose how you respond.
- Focus on what you can control—your own healing and choices.
6. Consider Next Steps for Your Relationship
- If your spouse is open to change, professional treatment and support groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) can be valuable.
- If they are unwilling to acknowledge the problem, you may need to reassess what is best for your well-being.
Partner's Behavior Checklist for Possible Sex Addiction
Secrecy & Deception
✅ They frequently hide or delete texts, emails, or browser history.
✅ They get defensive, angry, or dismissive when questioned about their behavior.
✅ They have been caught lying about their sexual activities
Compulsive Sexual Behavior
✅ They engage in pornography, masturbation, or sexual activities excessively, even when it negatively impacts their life.
✅ They have repeatedly promised to stop certain sexual behaviors but continue despite consequences.
✅ They seek out multiple sexual partners, engage in affairs, or use prostitutes/escorts.
Neglecting Responsibilities & Relationships
✅ Their sexual behaviors have led to problems at work, in finances, or in legal matters.
✅ They prioritize sexual activities over family time, responsibilities, or commitments.
✅ Their emotional or physical intimacy with you has significantly decreased or become strained.
Loss of Control & Escalation
✅ They need more extreme or risky sexual experiences to feel satisfied.
✅ They express shame, guilt, or remorse but continue the behavior.
✅ They have tried to stop but claim they "can’t help it."
If you agreed with even two of these statements, or more, we recommend you get help.
About Partners FAQs
We offer workshops for all your personal needs.
The first step is to admit there is a serious problem with your partner and the relationship. Refuse to remain in denial. Take action to learn about sexual addiction and to get help for yourself as the partner of an addict. Begin by telling a safe person the truth about what’s going on in your family.
It’s not unusual for addicts to insist that their spouses keep the secret. He or she may use threats or control to keep you quiet. The truth is that you have a right to talk about what’s going on in your life. Your spouse’s addiction affects you, too. You can tell your story about what’s going on with you – the pain, the fear, the shame, the confusion. You don’t owe any loyalty to your spouse’s sinful behaviors.
If you fear your spouse may become violent or harm you in some significant way, it’s crucial that you develop a safety plan. Learn about the resources in your area. Make arrangements with a trusted person for help in an emergency. Ask for legal advice, if necessary.
Bethesda Workshops teaches addicts that their secrets are harming their relationships, even if they believe their spouse doesn’t know. It’s impossible to have true intimacy unless it’s built on honesty. Sadly, addicts have gotten very good at deception, and they are afraid you will leave if you know the truth. Unfortunately, addicts typically practice staggered disclosure and continue lying, which only increases your pain.
At the same time, we don’t recommend that addicts immediately confess everything to their spouse, especially without professional help. In fact, that approach isn’t a good plan! Consultation with a trained clinician is strongly recommended. This structured approach ensures you have adequate resources in place for yourself as a partner. It also greatly increases the likelihood that you’ll receive the complete information you deserve.
Bethesda Workshops covers disclosure in every individual intensive. You can also access our two-part podcast on disclosure.
Professionals in the field generally agree that children, both minors and adults, have a need and right to know (to varying degrees) about a parent’s addiction. Even young children are very much aware of what’s going on in a family, despite how well you may have tried to hide it. Talking honestly about the family situation can be a relief for children.
You should consider your children’s ages, maturity, and personality when discussing sensitive information. The primary thing to consider is your motive for telling your children: Is it to promote honesty and healing within the family, or is to seek support for yourself, get your children to take side, or manipulate the children into comforting you? None of those are healthy reasons for talking with your children about the situation.
It is vitally important that you reassure children that any problems in the family are not their fault and are not their responsibility to solve. Be clear that you will take care of them and get the family whatever help is needed. We’ll provide resources about disclosure to family at the Healing for Partners workshop.
Living in a home where sexual addiction is present is clearly a less than healthy environment for children for a variety of reasons. However, don’t automatically assume that a sex addict is at risk of sexually abusing children. Sexual addiction and pedophilia (being sexually attracted to children) are two different things. Most sex addicts are not inappropriate with children. Unless you have some specific reason to suspect otherwise, your children aren’t at increased risk of sexual abuse by an addicted parent. Even addicts who access child oriented pornography don’t necessarily go on to commit a contact offense, though evaluation by a clinical professional is definitely warranted. It’s always wise, however, to be aware of others’ interactions with your children and to have healthy conversations about concepts like safe touch and personal privacy.
It’s the participant’s responsibility to alert you that he/she has arrived before the workshop starts. We take up cell phones and other electronic devices at the start of the workshop, and after that point, we have a strict policy of no contact with people at home until the workshop ends. (This policy also covers any contact at all with the outside world, including with work. We provide emergency contact information for the participant to share with family members.)
If someone fails to show up for a workshop, we contact the person listed as the emergency contact to report that the expected participant isn’t here. Similarly, we contact the emergency contact if a participant leaves the workshop before it’s over.
Every participant has a roommate and is not allowed to leave the workshop site or the hotel without receiving permission from a staff member and unless accompanied by another person. No one goes anywhere alone, including driving back and forth from the hotel. Remember, you can’t control the addict’s behavior. If he/she is willing to attend a Healing Workshop, that’s an important first step.