Melissa Haas serves as the spouse-supporting therapist at HopeQuest. Melissa has a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy and is a licensed professional counselor. Passionate about spiritual community, healthy marriages, and intimacy with God, Melissa regularly facilitates small groups and teaches and speaks on these topics in order to help the Body of Christ grow relationally with God and each other.
Melissa and her husband Troy have been married for thirty-four years and have three adult children and one grand-daughter. They have devoted their lives to helping others find hope and freedom from addiction, giving back the comfort they have received on their own journeys of healing.
Daniel Kiser
Daniel is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in the state of Tennessee. He has earned master degrees in Marital and Family Therapy and Biblical Studies from Lee University. Throughout his clinical experience, he has demonstrated clinical effectiveness working with adolescents and families through utilization of evidenced based approaches in his roles as a counselor, clinical supervisor, and behavioral health manager. He has worked with adolescents with severe suicidal behaviors, anxiety, depression, aggression, and high-risk behaviors in residential treatment. Addressed the relational distress within the parent-child relationship created by their child’s disruptive behavioral responses, helping parents through their despair, resentment, and disillusionment. He is invested in the integration of theology and psychology, believing that activation of human longings, desires, and vitality for life is based upon both disciplines. Aside from professional development, he also has experienced the profound impact of a transformative therapeutic relationship that provides accountability, exploration of underlying wounds and thoughts, and compassionate care. Counseling is oriented towards reclaiming, rediscovering, and restoring vital aspects of human development and he is eager to help others in their process as well.
Healing can also be passed generation to generation
Recently, I had the great honor to deliver a keynote presentation for the annual symposium of the Pastoral Sex Addiction Professional (PSAP) program, which is an arm of the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP), the training and certifying organization in my field. I chose to share what I’ve learned over decades of personal and professional development, which I had addressed in a trial run of a similar presentation earlier this year. It was fun (and thankfully, apparently meaningful) to add Mt. Kilimanjaro as an anchoring metaphor for the lessons.
It's interesting to position myself as a “wise woman” and to have that topic enthusiastically embraced by the PSAP leaders and listeners. Yes, at age sixty-nine, I’m definitely old enough to have acquired some “wisdom.” But when I compare my internal landscape with the exterior self that people see, I know I’m still so much in process – still sometimes unsure, anxious, or painfully triggered. Yet, I also know that the decades have brought profitable lessons, especially the last several years that have been so incredibly trying and painful.
A key takeaway from the keynote was that my most important learnings have come through failure, not from success. It’s perhaps surprising to be so grateful for failures, like failing to summit Kilimanjaro after dedicating two-thirds of a year to that endeavor, and struggling for another thirteen months afterward with long Covid from a Sars infection acquired on the adventure. But grateful I am. Having to descend from Kili due to a case of then-undiagnosed Covid taught me much more than I ever would have learned from achieving a traditional summit.
For this sharing around Thanksgiving, though, I’m focusing on a few of the life lessons themselves, which prompt immense gratitude. None of these takeaways are rocket science – nothing earth-shaking or particularly profound, but hopefully thoughts that perhaps are repackaged in a helpful way.
I entered recovery in 1991, with my life completely in shambles, which also impacted my husband and two young children. One of my clearest lessons, being relearned most days still, is that you’re never done dealing with your stuff. Healing and becoming are lifelong processes. Keep healing, keep growing, keep advancing to the next level. You’re not starting over, which likely is the accusation from the critical voice in your head. (I hear it, too.) You’re going deeper.
My spiritual heart was formed by what I experienced as a religiously rigid, shaming upbringing. In a pleasantly surprising shock, I’ve learned that almost nothing is black-or-white. Embrace the many shades of gray and relax into their compassionate palette. Honor what you did to survive, including your FAILURES, which are your best (and most reliable) teachers. By the way, this concept applies to everyone else in your life, too. Some days I really dislike that truth because it’s hard to see someone else’s struggles or because I’ve been hurt by their failures, but the principle remains true, nonetheless.
Listen to the desires of your heart, because they can become your dreams, your vision, your reality. Listen more deeply to your longings, to the aching cries within. They are messengers about your work still to do – or work that God wants to do in you. Wrestle with God about your longings and especially about their unfulfillment. Fulfillment of longing is God’s beautiful grace, which I’ve experienced in countless ways, especially in my opportunities to write and to create the place of healing that is Bethesda Workshops.
But unfulfillment of longings is also grace. Disappointment, even disillusionment and despair, are God’s unfathomable invitations into deeper relationship. Practice true acceptance: the willingness to stay with God in the gap of unfulfilled longings, even without any reason to believe (and maybe without hope) that they will ever be fulfilled. Yet, keep asking! Ask vertically (God) and ask horizontally (those in your safe inner circle). Vulnerably, talk with God about the pain of unfulfillment, and ask your people to wait with you in steadfastness and faith. I've been surprised to find that God's answer may be totally unexpected, even the opposite of what you were longing for. And I can testify that the resolution for desperate longings can be far better, far beyond, what you ever dreamed.
Waiting and longing are, of course, excruciatingly painful. I admit that after so many decades of teaching the importance of having a strong support system, I have been surprised to find that even terrific support isn’t always enough to salve the pain. Really devastating things are still really painful. There is simply no bypass for many agonies of life. A steady support system, though, provides others to stand with you in the storms, which makes a world of difference. Few things are as soothing as truly feeling that you are not alone.
In a similar lesson, remember that “thriving” still includes hard times and days. The pain and grief still sometimes take your breath away, but now you have healthy coping strategies and tools. The difference at this stage is that you no longer drive the bus off the cliff; you’re able to safely park it for a while and weather the storm.
In the beginning of a healing journey, it’s important to use every positive strategy and tool you know. Longterm, find the ones that consistently benefit and make them your staples. For me, the best tool is mindfulness, specifically in the form of practicing presence. Being in your body, in the scene, in the moment, opens you to many gifts you would otherwise miss. Being present in nature, without a companion or distraction (like a podcast or music), is my favorite routine experience.
These principles apply to everyone, but some lessons I’ll target toward helping professionals. First, always keep a systems perspective. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. No one is only an individual; the system is a huge part of the picture. When one person changes, the entire system reacts. Help your client or church member be a catalyst for positive change.
Next, engage the part of someone that wants to get well, which is the part that is in your presence. Welcome the parts that aren’t (yet) ready for healing and learn from them. Remember, the process is more important than the product or a pre-determined outcome. Trust the process, including the “failures”! Helping someone heal will probably take much longer than you were taught or prefer. Healing is not your responsibility; your role is to point the way, to accompany the journeyer, and to model health personally. Release with love those whom you can’t help now and trust a loving God to continue their process.
Intentionally cultivate, maintain, and prioritize a strong support system personally and professionally. It’s your safety net as well as your buoy. Practice rigorous self-care, including play and respite. Laugh deeply and often and with others. A sense of humor helps with perspective and burnout.
This Thanksgiving season, I’m beyond grateful to have this final knowledge, and, better yet, to have experienced it personally and in my own family: If trauma can be passed down generation to generation, so can healing!
As part of this special season and beyond, be in the moment with gratitude. Watch for the miracles, the God-incidences. Be surprised by joy and lavishly share your joyful heart with others. Gratitude begets gratitude, and this powerful flow can begin with you.
