Daniel Kiser

Melissa Haas

Melissa Haas serves as the spouse-supporting therapist at HopeQuest. Melissa has a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy and is a licensed professional counselor.  Passionate about spiritual community, healthy marriages, and intimacy with God, Melissa regularly facilitates small groups and teaches and speaks on these topics in order to help the Body of Christ grow relationally with God and each other.  

Melissa and her husband Troy have been married for thirty-four years and have three adult children and one grand-daughter. They have devoted their lives to helping others find hope and freedom from addiction, giving back the comfort they have received on their own journeys of healing.  

Daniel Kiser

Daniel Kiser

Daniel is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in the state of Tennessee. He has earned master degrees in Marital and Family Therapy and Biblical Studies from Lee University. Throughout his clinical experience, he has demonstrated clinical effectiveness working with adolescents and families through utilization of evidenced based approaches in his roles as a counselor, clinical supervisor, and behavioral health manager. He has worked with adolescents with severe suicidal behaviors, anxiety, depression, aggression, and high-risk behaviors in residential treatment. Addressed the relational distress within the parent-child relationship created by their child’s disruptive behavioral responses, helping parents through their despair, resentment, and disillusionment. He is invested in the integration of theology and psychology, believing that activation of human longings, desires, and vitality for life is based upon both disciplines. Aside from professional development, he also has experienced the profound impact of a transformative therapeutic relationship that provides accountability, exploration of underlying wounds and thoughts, and compassionate care. Counseling is oriented towards reclaiming, rediscovering, and restoring vital aspects of human development and he is eager to help others in their process as well. 

For Couples

The Pain of Betrayal

Infidelity in a relationship is the most powerful and painful form of betrayal. It goes against the heart of everything that is sacred in a coupleship – everything that makes this relationship different from all other connections. Infidelity is the proverbial “hit by a Mack truck” scenario, and it shatters lives, hearts, and hope. The emotional devastation is crippling.

When faced with the ravages of sexual addiction, a couple may feel there’s no hope for their relationship. The addict spouse may feel overwhelming shame at what he/she has done, along with the crippling fear that the partner will leave the relationship. The betrayed partner will question everything about the relationship and self. She/he will wonder how she ever wound up in this place and if it’s possible to feel whole again.

Principles of Healing

The good news is that the crisis of sexual betrayal can be the window into the kind of relationship both spouses have always wanted – a relationship of genuine intimacy. Paradoxically, the pain of betrayal can ultimately morph into a healthy coupleship in the truest sense of the one-flesh union that God intends for marriage.

Partners sometimes say they wish “we could go back to the way it was.” The reality is that the coupleship was in deep trouble during that period before discovery or disclosure. The harder reality is that only one partner in the relationship was aware of its true status. Real healing is possible only when both spouses are facing the reality of the painful truth about the betrayal.

A core principle of systems theory is that two healthy partners are required to build and sustain a healthy relationship. The agonizing reality is that one partner can destroy it. Redemption for the coupleship happens when both spouses are willing to do what it takes for healing. These paths look very different, of course. The addict partner must take responsibility, gain empathy for his/her partner’s pain, and rebuild trust. The betrayed partner must face the crushing pain of betrayal and loss, learn to enforce healthy boundaries that promote safety and heal from any prior wounds as well as the current trauma.

If both parties are faithful to the process of healing, eventually the infidelity of sexual addiction will become a part of the couples’ history, but it won’t be the all-defining aspect. Recovery and healing will be the couples’ primary story.

Couples Recovery & Prerequisites

This kind of renewal, however, takes the same dedication to healing as a couple that’s required for individual recovery. A recovering sex addict and partner sometimes think that their individual work will automatically improve their relationship. In some ways, that’s true. It definitely helps the relationship when the addict is being faithful! It also helps when the partner is walking a personal path of recovery.

Individual healing, though, doesn’t automatically translate into a healthy coupleship. Each couple has their own couple’s dance – a predictable pattern of interaction that’s been developed over the years. Maybe one spouse distances and the other pursues. Perhaps one mate over-functions and the other mate is irresponsible. Often both partners unconsciously project family of origin or other wounds onto the spouse, so that their relationship is complicated by the additional baggage that was brought into the marriage. These patterns must be identified, understood, resolved and forgiven.

This trifecta of the addict’s personal recovery, the partner’s personal recovery, and the couple’s recovery is the foundation of Bethesda Workshops’ approach. This principle is behind our requirement that each spouse attends his/her separate individual workshop first before attending the couple’s workshop. Generally, this means attending a Healing for Men Workshop for a male addict and a Healing for Partners Workshop for the wife of a male addict. Sometimes the addict is female, in which case she would attend the Healing for Women Workshop and the male would attend the Partners’ Workshop. Occasionally, both spouses identify as addicts, in which case each would attend the appropriate (gender specific) addict’s workshop before coming to Healing for Couples.

Intensive Help

The Healing for Couples Workshop provides a huge entry into couple’s recovery. It creates a foundation of compassion and structure that can carry a couple through the hard, early months of healing. We highly recommend that a couple come to this workshop as soon as possible after their individual workshops.

Each couples’ group is staffed with a male and female Bethesda Workshops’ leader. Their example offers encouragement and hope, as well as a practical model for interacting differently.

It’s the same safe, powerful environment as the individual workshops, and a couple will find these benefits:

  • Safe place to share your hurts and fears about your relationship
  • Powerful experiential process that creates an understanding of each other’ pain and how it gets played out in your coupleship
  • Nontoxic forum for having those difficult conversations, and multiple opportunities to practice under two leaders’ guidance
  • Tools for building emotional intimacy
  • Deep connection with other healing couples
  • Much more!
Healing for Couples

For couples who are dealing with sex or relationship addiction

Read More

Disclosure

Secrets harm relationships, even if the addict believes his/her spouse doesn’t know. It’s impossible to have true intimacy unless it’s built on honesty. In the case of couples facing sexual addiction, that means full disclosure on the part of the addict is required. Unfortunately, addicts often engage in staggered disclosure, which means he/she withholds information and continues to lie. As partners are well aware, this practice only further harms the relationship.

On the other hand, it’s not helpful for the addict to dump everything about his/her addiction onto the spouse, especially in the early days after discovery or an initial disclosure. It’s almost always harmful for a couple to attempt disclosure without professional guidance. Consultation with a trained clinician is vital. Disclosure is usually the hardest part of a couple’s recovery, and it’s too important to attempt alone. A structured approach ensures adequate resources are in place for both spouses, especially the partner. It also greatly increases the likelihood that complete, appropriate information is included.

Bethesda Workshops covers the principles of disclosure in every individual intensive. You can also access our two-part podcast on disclosure.

Rebuilding Trust

Addicts and partners alike are usually desperate for answers around rebuilding trust. Addicts ask, “Will she/he ever trust me again?” and partners lament, “How can I ever trust after what he/she has done?” Rebuilding trust is a key task of couple’s recovery, and be assured that it is possible.

The addict is responsible for re-earning trust that’s been broken, which is a process of demonstrating change over time. That means he/she must walk the walk, not just talk the talk. The partner must ultimately be willing to re-extend trust, which often is harder. Often, it’s a one step forward, two steps back process. Any instance of continued lying destroys any positive progress.

Addicts must not only learn to practice rigorous honesty but also to feel and express empathy to the partner for the harm they’ve caused. This task usually is developed only after some solid sobriety, but it’s crucial for the relationship. A helpful resource is Marnie Ferree’s book Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men – A Redemptive Guide for Men Caught Cheating. Co-authored with colleague Robert Weiss, this book provides practical guidance for men who have been unfaithful, as well as validation and encouragement for their wives.

Couples who are years down the road of recovery say that trust can be rebuilt to the point that it’s no longer an issue. At Bethesda Workshops, we tell addicts that rebuilding trust will take much longer than they would like, and much less time than they deserve. Trust blossoms with hard work and time.

Safe Container

Couples in the early stages of healing benefit by establishing some clear boundaries about the relationship. Many couples find an in-house separation is helpful, because it takes the pressure off the relationship by dropping the “happy couple” façade. Agree to table any discussion of divorce or make any other major decision while you’re working to rebuild the relationship. We encourage waiting a full 12 months before making a permanent decision about the relationship. During this timeframe, each person works on him/herself. You also participate in couple’s counseling, even if it’s mostly focused on early stabilization and communicating about the work you each are doing individually.

Sexual Abstinence

Another important phase of early recovery is an agreed on period of sexual abstinence. Even if it feels like you’re having the best sex ever (this is referred to as the honeymoon phase of recovery), be assured it won’t fix anything and it won’t last. Most partners worry that if they stop being sexual with their addict, he or she will act out elsewhere.

The reality is that acting out was occurring before while the couple was being sexual; the partner just wasn’t aware. A sexual time-out fosters individual healing. (Why would a partner want to be sexual with someone she/he doesn’t trust?) It also allows the couple to focus on building non-sexual intimacy, which usually has been lacking in the relationship.

We cover the neurochemistry of sexual addiction and the benefits of a couples’ abstinence period at every Healing Workshop.

Forgiveness

For the relationship to fully heal, both partners must experience forgiveness. An addict must forgive him/herself for acting out and for the pain it caused. A partner must forgive the addict for the betrayal and its associated consequences and losses. Both often must forgive each other for the unhealthy coping methods each spouse has used. There are many things both need to forgive about the unhealthy patterns in the coupleship.

Addicts typically beg for forgiveness prematurely, when they have done little or nothing to express remorse, accept responsibility, or rebuild trust. That kind of request is an addict’s way of dealing with his/her shame or trying to make healing happen quickly without doing the hard work that’s involved. Partners shouldn’t be manipulated into extending forgiveness when remorse isn’t genuine.

Forgiveness is a gift to oneself, not necessarily something that is earned or deserved. Forgiveness frees you to focus on personal healing and move forward regardless of what your spouse does or doesn’t do. It’s possible and healing for a partner to forgive an “unrepentant” addict because that’s an important part of the letting go process.

It’s important to understand that forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean a restoration of the relationship. You can choose to forgive and still enforce strong boundaries, including ending the relationship. It’s possible to forgive and still not trust because trust hasn’t been earned. Don’t confuse the two concepts. Both are processes that evolve over time.

Couples’ Community

Effective couple’s recovery includes getting connected with other recovering couples. Just as the addict and partner need their individual support groups, the coupleship requires the same kind of help. A couple benefits from a sponsoring couple to mentor their journey.

Unfortunately, finding a mentor couple is often difficult. Recovering Couples Anonymous is a 12 Step fellowship specifically for couples with groups scattered across the country. In places where an S fellowship is active for both addicts and partners, a joint or combined meeting is often held where they can attend together.

Couples FAQs

We offer workshops for all your personal needs.

We’ve tried couples counseling and it didn’t work. Why will a workshop be different?

A variety of factors could have contributed to the failure of earlier counseling. One or both partners may not have been completely honest with the counselor. (Many active addicts won’t disclose their acting out, even to a therapist.) Maybe one or the other spouse was stuck in blame and unwilling to accept personal responsibility for his or her contribution to the relationship problems. Or perhaps you didn’t get the right kind of help.

Unfortunately, many counselors, including Christian counselors, aren’t trained in treating sexual addiction or in helping the marriages affected by this issue. If the “help” you got before didn’t go deeper than the behavioral issues, it’s no surprise it wasn’t helpful. Addicted couples must explore the “whys” behind their behavior patterns – the baggage each brings into the relationship.

We also find that too often couples jump into marriage counseling without working on themselves as individuals. We find this approach rarely works, and it’s why we require each spouse to attend his or her own individual workshop before coming to the Healing for Couples Workshop

Why do we keep having the same old fights? We’re destroying each other with our hurtful patterns.

Couples often feel powerless when the dysfunctions of their relationship continue, no matter how hard the spouses try to stop. One key answer to breaking this cycle is to change the patterns of unhealthy family systems, which each spouse brings into the marriage. Realize that you and your mate are probably doing the best job you can as a marriage partner. And your parents did, too. Recognize that you didn’t have the modeling, the instruction, or the unconditional love and nurturing you deserved as you were growing up. You lack the tools to have a healthy relationship, especially one struggling with the trauma of addiction. When you identify the ways you get triggered and how a trigger affects your relationship, you can begin to change your behavior.

I’m interested in attending a Couples Workshop, but my spouse isn’t. What should I do?

First, discuss the possibility with your mate again. Find a time when things are calm and invite your spouse to a conversation about improving your marriage. Begin by sharing some positive things about your relationship. Assure your mate you’re interested in understanding him or her better and learning how to interact in a healthier way. Emphasize you’re willing to do your part in addressing any issues, and take responsibility for any lapses you’ve had since your own workshop. Share again how strongly you want to attend a Couples Workshop and explain how it can be feasible in terms of arranging childcare, finances, etc. If your person still isn’t interested, be sure to get extra support for yourself, including counseling. Ask for a joint session to discuss the blocks that are keeping your spouse from pursuing intensive help.

What do I tell my children?

Professionals in the field generally agree that children, both minors and adults, have a need and right to know (to varying degrees) about a parent’s addiction. Even young children are very much aware of what’s going on in a family, despite how well you may have tried to hide it. Talking honestly about the family situation can be a relief for children.

You should consider your children’s ages, maturity, and personality when discussing sensitive information. The primary thing to consider is your motive for telling your children: Is it to promote honesty and healing within the family, or is to seek support for yourself, get your children to take side, or manipulate the children into comforting you? None of those are healthy reasons for talking with your children about the situation.

It is vitally important that you reassure children that any problems in the family are not their fault and are not their responsibility to solve. Be clear that you will take care of them and get the family whatever help is needed. We’ll provide resources about disclosure to family at the Healing for Partners workshop.

Do you offer financial support for couples attending workshops?

Couples who attend all three workshops* within a 12-month period may attend the Healing for Couples workshop for an initial payment of only the deposit. The remaining balance may be paid over time on a no-interest payment plan.  Any balance remaining on individual workshops may be rolled into the Healing for Couples balance for new payment terms.

If you are attending the Healing for Couples workshop more than 12 months after individual workshops, a total of half the fee must be paid prior to the beginning of the workshop (this amount includes the non-refundable deposit),  A no-interest payment plan can be arranged for the balance (usually 2-8 monthly payments). If you have an outstanding balance on the individual workshop(s), the balance for the Couples Workshop may be added to it and a new payment plan arranged with prior approval.

* “All three workshops” means each spouse attends his/her individual workshop and then they attend the couples workshop.

TESTIMONIALS

Restored Lives

“I resisted any type of community and realized it was a big missing piece of my recovery.”

Healing for Men

“I did not expect the depth of material and tools I received for my recovery and I am thankful.”

Healing for Men

“The integration of Godly values to truly heal core wounds was remarkable.”

Healing for Men

“I resisted any type of community and realized it was a big missing piece of my recovery.”

Healing for Men

“I did not expect the depth of material and tools I received for my recovery and I am thankful.”

Healing for Men

“The sense of community and brotherly camaraderie was so encouraging.”

Healing for Men

“I didn’t think this would reach so deep in my soul.”

Healing for Men

“The healing I have already experienced really surprises me. I will be forever grateful for this.”

Healing for Men

“The comprehensiveness was astounding. I liked the variability of learning experiences.”

Healing for Men

“This workshop is so, so awesome. Wish I had known about this many years ago.”

Healing for Men

“I am leaving with ample tools and I had fantastic discovery. 15 out of 10 experience.”

Healing for Men

“We left feeling so encouraged.”

“Safe place to take on the hard stuff.”

“The ratio of couples to therapists was great, especially having a male and female therapist in the group.”

“I believe this workshop will help save our marriage.”

“We were really stuck in our coupleship, and Bethesda helped us get unstuck.”

“I never thought my wife and I could laugh together again and have fun.”

“I came in carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and I’m leaving with the ability to walk out with a greater freedom than expected.”

Healing for Women

“The format, tools, and therapists are amazing.”

Healing for Women

“I feel I have a better, much better vision and tools to improve my life.”

Healing for Women

“I realized I am not alone.”

Healing for Women

“I realized I am not alone.”

Healing for Women

“The hands-on assignments were life-altering.”

Healing for Women

“This has been life-changing.”

Healing for Women

“I learned more in 4 days about my addiction and tools to combat it than I have in 10 years of therapy.”

Healing for Women

“I’m leaving feeling strengthened and loved.”

Healing for Women

“I was looking for tools and connections and I found both.”

Healing for Women

“I was blown away. I didn’t know exactly what I was getting into but this was the perfect, most welcoming, life giving, non judgmental place to start my recovery.”

Healing for Women

“I didn’t expect to have the spiritual experience and it was amazing.”

Healing for Partners

“This was a powerful weekend. I feel more confident in my journey. Thank you for empowering me and giving me the tools to move forward.”

Healing for Partners

“I’m walking away feeling more hopeful for myself.”

Healing for Partners

“The Lord heard my cry and used this workshop to answer my prayer.”

Healing for Partners

“The insight, education, hope and healing I’ve experienced here was beyond what I imagined.”

Healing for Partners

“Bethesda Workshops was a place where I was met with love, understanding and complete acceptance. I was able to bear my soul in a safe place.”

Healing for Partners

“This was an incredible and life changing experience in every way. I am eternally grateful to Bethesda Workshops.”

Healing for Partners

“This was a great workshop and opportunity to connect with others who are going through the same issues.”

Healing for Partners

“I received understanding, tools and a jumpstart in therapy.”

Healing for Partners

“This has been the most healing experience of my life.”

Healing for Couples

“I connected with my spouse in ways I wasn’t sure I could.”

Healing for Couples

“Bethesda Workshops changed my life and I am eternally grateful for all you do. Having this shared experience with my wife will serve us immensely in our future.”

Healing for Couples

“You all have certainly changed our lives.”

Healing for Couples

“This was our first opportunity to do any couples work and it was hugely beneficial!”

Healing for Couples

“I came out more confident that we can heal and move forward.”

Healing for Couples

“It furthered our healing as a couple with very hands-on exercises to help us see our parts and places more clearly.”

Healing for Couples

“Thank you to all the Bethesda Workshops staff. You care for us like family.”

Healing for Couples

“I believe God was at work at Bethesda.”

Healing for Couples

“The staff here are priceless.”

Healing for Couples

“Exceeded my expectations. I am hopeful for my marriage for the first time in a long time.”

Healing for Couples

“This wasn’t just surface-level therapy. It went so much deeper.”

Healing for Men

“I got a solid foundation about how I can fight my addiction.”

Healing for Men

“I didn’t feel like just another ‘sex addict’ client, but dealt with on a very individual level.”

Healing for Women

“Amazing therapists! Wow! After experiencing so many ‘bad’ counselors, I’m so impressed at the depth of each one.”

Healing for Women

“I really valued the leadership and therapists. You could tell how invested they were in this work.”

Healing for Women

“The workshop leaders are very effective at creating a climate of trust.”

Healing for Women

“The staff who have lived this journey were an incredible source of inspiration, credibility, and competency.”

Healing for Women

“Wonderful, caring counselors”

Healing for Women

“I will never be the same after this workshop!”

Healing for Women

“I was skeptical about being with partners of addicts, but it was so healing to hear their stories, see their strength, and receive grace and care from them.”

Healing for Women

“It gave me so much hope.”

Healing for Women

“I didn’t expect to make such connections with other female addicts, which was a highlight.”

Healing for Women

“This workshop was a lifeline to me when I needed it most.”

Healing for Women

“The healing I experienced was more than I ever could have imagined.”

Healing for Women

“I absolutely love the counselors at this workshop. They were well informed, loving, and compassionate.”

“This was very pragmatic and participatory. I did specific things and practices that deepened my experience with God.”

“Now I see the value of sitting still with God.”

“I thought I was in a sound spiritual place and wasn’t sure what to expect from this workshop. I learned so much about myself and God and how past hurts still impact my relationship with him.”

“I came away certain that God cares about me and our relationship.”

“My fears dissolved instantly upon the start.”

"I learned a lot about myself and my triggers."

Healing for Teens

"I now have the tools I need to respond to relapse and the boundaries set in place to avoid triggers."

Healing for Teens

"I recommend this program to anyone who needs it!"

Healing for Teens

"A lot of the same things that made me anxious about attending were the most impactful components of the workshop. The vulnerability, the group aspect, and the connections I formed were a big part of this."

Healing for Teens

The connections you make and the wisdom that is spoken were the most impactful components of the workshop for me."

Healing for Teens

"The experiential moments were extremely eye-opening. The affirmations were a beautiful component. NOT HAVING OUR PHONES WAS A GIANT BENEFIT! All the curriculum was valuable! Developing a plan before leaving was key!"

Healing for Teens

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